Hypnotical Hyper-grass Hysteria and other silent killers in your neighborhood

Aaaaahhh…….Summer is here. The sky is blue, the flowers are blooming, and the grass is green. And I’m glad the grass is green and it’s growing and all of that. Because it’s allowed me to see an interesting thing on my street. I call it the “hypnotical hyper-grass hysteria”. And yes, I’m sure that’s the clinical term.

Here’s how this “disease” onsets. First, you are living your life. You think everything is great. You remark to yourself at how beautiful your home is, how much you love your children. You’ve worked hard, its shows, and by golly, life is great! Until…..one day….early on a Saturday morning you hear the not-so-distant cry of a two stroke engine. Is it a four-wheeler? An airplane? No! It is the sound of the neighbor’s lawn mower and it’s choke is set on “rabbit”.

The second stage of this disease comes on very, very aggressively. For instance, you might look out your living room window and notice the freshly manicured lawn next door. It is so sharp and clean. The aroma lingers in your nose like the song of the pied piper’s flute in children’s ears. As if hypnotized, you begin to walk outside to the garden shed. You grab your mower, check the fuel, add some more, and begin to mow your grass in an exhausting subconscious trance.

Stage three comes on in the next few days. You love the look of your front yard when you pull into the driveway after work each day. It’s clean, gorgeous, and best of all, it looks just as good as everybody else’s. And then it hits you. Stage three is the realization that you have the disease. It is then that you realize that you somehow got caught up in the hysteria of what everybody else was doing. You wanted to look like them, to fit in, to feel like you belonged. It is now that you realize that this disease is chronic. From now on, every time your neighbor mows his lawn, you will subconsciously feel compelled to mow yours. No matter what. They’ve got you. The disease is now running your life and defining who you are.

And there are other similar viruses just like this one. There’s the Mammalian Has-no-hair disease, which has an early onset of around age 13 in most human females. It is at this point that the female begins to determine she should no longer have any body hair whatsoever. From the first onset of the terrible affliction, each time she sees another female body’s bare skin with hair, she feels subconsciously compelled to remove hers — whether by shaving, plucking, or the use of chemicals. Despite all pain, common sense, and survival of the fittest, she will begin removing her hair. This disease is usually chronic. The victim will continue to do this until death.

And yes, there are more! The Baby in A Box Bizarro, where human babies are put into boxes for up to 8 hours at a time each night, and sometimes even in the day. There’s the Feelings are For Foo-foos disorder, which generally afflicts human males, but is certainly not isolated to that gender. Also the Super Supper Syndrome, which is a really big problem in some areas. I know this syndrome has really taken over my local area. People everywhere seem to be eating larger and larger portions at night and then complaining of symptoms such as poor sleep, weight gain, intestinal upset and more. Avoid this at all costs, since it is becoming the largest factor of the breakdown of several current societies. Is yours one of them?

Like every disorder, disease, and syndrome there are things we can do to prevent these types of things from happening to your family. Just like hand washing prevents the common cold, the lack of brain washing has been proven scientifically effective in preventing these. Educate yourselves and your families. Refuse to blindly accept your neighbor’s standards as your own. As we can clearly see, society’s demands may not be the healthiest choices to choose. Choose instead to determine your own values and your own paths. That is the healthiest lifestyle of all.

Which silent killers are lingering in your neighborhood? Have you fallen victim to any of them and why? What can you personally do to prevent them and others like them? Do you believe you have the power to make that change?

I hope so. The world needs educated people who aren’t afraid of a little upstream swimming if we plan on giving our children a healthier world.

(This post is dedicated to my friend Nelly, with whom I learn more and more about myself every morning at 8. I love you, Nelly.)