Amazing Parents

Sometimes it\’s AMAZING. Sometimes it\’s just A MAZE.

It’s Raining

Today I got paid.  That was cool.

I also saw my dad.  He brought back something he had borrowed.  And instead of just bringing it back, he had to “fix it” for me.  A normal human would have been appreciative, but for some reason I was not.  I found it degrading on so many levels.  I realized this has everything to do with me and where I am right now — that feeling of just wanting to break out of every box I’ve ever been put in — and so I said nothing except, “Thanks, Dad.  That was nice.”  He felt good.  I felt good that I stopped a fight.

But hours after he is gone, I secretly think to myself how sometimes the fight is just so. worth. it.

Smelly J’nelly knows what I mean.  She has been living with The Guiltinator for 8 days straight.  Do you know the kind of inner resolve it takes to survive 8 days of that????  Seriously. It’s so intense.

The difference between me and Nelly is that I usually start the fight.  Because I need to say what I need to say and that’s just all I know in the moment.  But what I realized today was that part of breaking out of the boxes I’m in means breaking out of the ones I’ve made for myself.  Like I don’t always need to start the fight.  I don’t.  Just because that’s what I’ve always done and today I want to do something differently.  So today I just enjoyed saying nothing at all.  I’ve been doing more of that lately.  And now I can see why Nelly has always done it too.  The silent suffering.  Because in a way, it’s just so much cleaner.  So much cleaner to break away from.

I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore.  There is no point to be made.  Just an observation that means nothing in the end.  Except that maybe I’m allowed to experiment with who I am and that’s ok.  I don’t have to always be the one that thinks the fight is worth it.  Sometimes I can be the silent one too.  And that doesn’t make me “fake”.  It just makes me quiet.  And that feels really good.  Because when I’m quiet I can hear the rain.

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October 4, 2008 - Posted by | A New Paradigm, Soap Box

3 Comments »

  1. What I have learned (and am still learning): when it’s best to consider the repercussions of an argument (especially over an insignificant issue) and remain silent vs. when I simply must express my opinion, even if it’s not going to be received well. As you know, I’ve struggled with being too silent too long, but now it feels good to make sure my feelings and opinions are heard. When it’s the right thing to do. When I’m not doing it just to ‘get back’ at someone. When I’m not arguing just to prove I’m right about something.

    My husband is the silent type. Even more than I used to be. But when he expresses an opinion in his gentle, loving way, I LISTEN. Because I know how difficult it was for him just to let his innermost feelings come out. And how important ‘saying his piece’ must be to him.

    The goal is to settle someplace in the middle between stepping all over other people’s feelings with our own, and being okay with letting our unique, important and valuable voice be heard. Not only are you able to hear more rain, you also get to feel more sunshine.

    Comment by wifeonthefarm | October 4, 2008 | Reply

  2. Your blog makes me feel good. I am not sure really what to say but just that. Although I make my voice more heard now than ever befor sometimes not saying anything helps me feel like I have a secret she doesn’t know. And you know that is new for me, learning she doesn’t need or have to know everything about me. I am a special unique individual.

    But deep down inside I cursed her up one side and down the other 🙂 Cus it is (to her) NONEYO!!

    Comment by smelly | October 5, 2008 | Reply

  3. I want to add to my comment that it isn’t really silent suffering. Ok, sometimes it is, but it is, in a way, more of a silent contentment. It is just sitting and hoping that down the road they will see that what you said or thought was right on. A silent “I am right and you will see.” Some times it is so nice to sit and say nothing at all to see them look at you like “what? no comment back? what is going on here?” And I have learned all this in the past couple years, you know that. So sometimes it kills me to sit and say nothing. But some times it is cleaner. In my freak show mom’s case I know that she will see it later but make it out that she came up with the idea. But I don’t care. I am a better person now than I was a few years ago.

    Comment by smelly | October 15, 2008 | Reply


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