Amazing Parents

Sometimes it\’s AMAZING. Sometimes it\’s just A MAZE.

Every Possible Mistake

A few days ago I wrote about rising above the fog line in my life, to a place where there is clarity and peace and joy. And not the mediocre kind, but the real kind. The pinnacle kind. But as I attempt to move myself forward along that road, I find myself slipping back down the mountain. And it’s frustrating and I hate it.

I cried a lot yesterday. I am still sad. I keep hitting “emotional landmines”, as Valerie’s husband recently described them to me. To which he added…..”and usually when we least expect it”. I had to think about that for a while before I understood what he meant that day — emotional landmines. What are those?

After much contemplation I realize that what he meant was that it isn’t as easy as just saying “I’m going to move forward now” and everything suddenly turns peachy and life is perfect. Yes, the journey begins there. Just that simply. By recognizing the goal and committing to make a change. But when you get down and dirty with it, the words alone are just not enough. It also takes action.

For instance, I can tell myself that I will no longer let folded laundry sit in baskets all over the house. From now on I will put it in the drawer immediately. I realize this is what I need to do. I tell myself I will do it. But two days after opening up the drawer, the laundry still sits in the basket at my feet.

And this is so not about the laundry.

What I realized is that as strongly as I want to make it change, I also, just as quickly and as strongly, get stuck. I go along the new path and from out of nowhere I hit an emotional landmine and get blown to bits all over again. When that happens it can be really paralyzing, very scary, very messy. Sometimes you even have to start all over again, right in the fog, putting all your limbs back on your body.

My friend Yael says that “trust and love is not always easy to make”. I wish she had sat me down ten years ago and told me that. But then again, would I have understood what she meant? That it isn’t that easy to just say I’m going to marry this man and stay with him forever? Or I’m going to adopt this baby and show him what real love is?

Of course not. Because love is complicated. Relationships are even more so. Connection takes two people. We don’t have control over every little thing. What we have to do is do our very best and hope that it all works out in the end. And through that we will inevitably make mistakes. We’ll say things we didn’t mean or do things that we can’t take back. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Because it is only through those mistakes that we understand where we should go next. It’s only by looking where our foot stumbled that we can even recognize where we landed as we fell. It is only by coming face to face with trials that we have the chance to build endurance and integrity and hope. Otherwise there is no need. And who of us would want to exist in a world without integrity and hope?

I guess what I’m saying is that I am more aware now of my personality, my dreams, my fears, my insecurities, my secrets….than I have ever been before. I have made every possible mistake in almost every single relationship I have ever had. I realize that now. I look back on some of the things I could have done differently in my life and I am almost totally consumed with regret and yes, even shame. First of all, marrying a man that was not a good match for me is something that I will never understand. How that all worked. How I allowed myself to justify it. I just don’t know. How bad did I need to make it seem right? How insecure/scared/blindly optimistic could I possibly be? Looking back I feel nothing but confusion. I simply cannot wrap my brain around the entire ordeal.

And it seems like every single conversation I have now brings it all right up into my face. Happy people excited to see me curiously ask, So how are you? And I don’t know what to say. Do they want me to say fine? Because that is not really true. Do they want the truth, the way it really is? Because if so, my response would be, “confused” or maybe “overwhelmed”. Sometimes I just want to scream, “Insecure!” with a big, fake smile on my freaked-out face. Or “self-defeating”, “dangerous to myself and others”, “blindly optimistic”, or just plain old “ugly”. But I don’t think they really want the truth.

Because the truth is, not everything is always peachy keen. Life isn’t always “fine”. Life is about making mistakes. And if you are really aware of them, you are able to learn something about yourself through those moments. And that is amazing. That is when you can really move forward.

So the next time you make a mistake….even when you make every possible mistake, like I have done in this life….choose to view those mistakes as opportunities, even gifts, as Rebecca calls them. Choose to become a new soul and begin your life again. Ask yourself what does love look like today? And then allow the day to lead you where you need to go.

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August 9, 2008 - Posted by | A New Paradigm

5 Comments »

  1. I am so proud of you. I know I have said this befor, and I will say it again and again. You are a strong beautiful person. You have come so far and have really been able to hold it together. You have not given up, even though I know you want to sometimes. You are a wonderful mother and a great friend.

    You have come to a lot of realizations thru this whole thing and I am sure you will see more as it goes on just how emotionally it affects every part of your life, but you are going to make it. I have never looked at you or listened to you and said “what a loser, she is so wrong and makes so many mistakes” no no no. I have always thought of you as strong and inteligent, and I still do, a lot of people do. And I think that closing paragraph is “spot on”.

    I know you will hang in there. And I hope you don’t think that I am trying to say don’t feel this way or that. I love seeing that rawness in you, I love you feeling it and understanding what it is and why. I don’t like that it is happening to you. I am so mad at your husband that……well, I will save that for my boxing classes. But I love you. And no matter what I will alway have your back.

    Comment by smelly | August 9, 2008 | Reply

  2. Now where DID you get the patterm for marrying a person who was not a good match for you? Hmmmm…… But don’t EVER forget that you are a person of great worth to your Creator and to those of us who love you very much. Just look at what you’ve already accomplished and are still achieving!

    You may think you’ve made every mistake in the book, but you haven’t. Even I haven’t, and I’ve made many, many more mistakes in my 55 years than you have in your 31 years. There will be fewer and fewer landmines as you walk out of this jungle. The journey will actually be fascinating and sometimes fun and exciting and you’ll learn so much about yourself. The best lesson you’ll learn, in my opinon? Don’t ever change yourself for somebody else. It’s not worth it and you don’t want to find yourself in that miserable and mediocre place all over again.

    Comment by your mom | August 9, 2008 | Reply

  3. I don’t know what your current struggles are, but just wanted you to know I read your blog and am thinking of you. Said a prayer that God’s loving arms will care for you during this time. Hugs to you.

    Comment by Cynthia | August 11, 2008 | Reply

  4. Okay, well, duh on me. I guess I should start with an older blog entry instead of the newest one. I read back a little and now I know a little more of your current struggles. Again, hugs and prayers to you and your family.

    Comment by Cynthia | August 11, 2008 | Reply

  5. Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.

    Comment by sandrar | September 10, 2009 | Reply


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