At a crossroads?

I’m sitting down to write now.  About what, I do not know.  But whatever comes out is what is supposed to. That is about all I know.  Something about being at a crossroads.  And the Captain said, “It’s not a court thing, but an emotional thing.”  That made me mad.  REALLY mad.  But two days later and I realize that he is right. He is always right.  I hate him for that.  But I love him for that at the very same time.

Because I’m so sick of being in charge.  I am raising these kids alone and making money alone and sleeping alone and eating alone and stacking wood alone.  And all the decisions are always up to me to make.  And I am so exhausted from that.  It gets frustrating.  And my brain is fried.  So much “cognitive noise” that it’s disgusting.  That’s why I’ve turned it off.  It’s all off.  And all I am left with is the silence.  The golden silence of the present moment.  Now I know why they call it golden.  It just is.  Worth every ounce.

There is this popular song called “apologize”.  It says that it’s too late.  I can’t really say that I believe that.  I don’t believe it’s ever too late.  If someone wants to say they’re sorry, then why can’t they just be sorry?  Why do we have to put up our guard and say no?  Who are we to judge hearts?  And motives?  And intentions?  Aren’t we all just getting by in life?  Aren’t we all just as screwed up as everybody else is?

You know, someone from highschool just called me “cool”.  I told him that I resent that.  I wasn’t lying.  I do.  Being called cool makes me very uncomfortable.  He has no right to call me that.  No more of a right to say I’m good than he does to say I’m bad.  Why can’t we all just be who we are?  I don’t know.  I just don’t know.

The Captain is right, though.  It is an emotional thing.  It so totally is.  It all is.  It all is so raw to me.  So deep inside of me.  And I can make no sense of it whatsoever.  I don’t know which way to go at this cross roads.  I don’t even know if I’m at a crossroads.  Maybe this is just the path I’m on.  And there is no choice to be made.  Do I love him?  Absolutely.  Do I think he’ll ever love me? I don’t know.  And that scares me, because I don’t understand it.  Is that about him, and his inability to connect, or is it about me, and my insecurities?

I just don’t know.

So now what?

Maybe instead of telling someone else that it’s too late for him to apologize, maybe I should just beg for his forgiveness.  Yep.  Say, please forgive me.  For not knowing what I want.  And for not knowing where I want to go from here.  For not knowing what is best.  For not wanting to be right anymore.  I just don’t care.  And for that, I’m sorry.  But I just don’t care anymore about any of it.  I just want to be happy.  And right now, I am.  That’s enough for now.  Don’t you think?